The job search is on Ladies and Gentlemen! The struggle of finding someone to give you a chance so you can make something of yourself is one that is long and incredibly frustrating!!
Finding a job that means I can move easily with my Squaddie whenever he gets posted is harder than finding a needle in a haystack! It needs to pay well enough to cover the rent and bills and give me enough experience or skills that next time he moves, it won't be so difficult to find a job!
Yes, we could pop down the registry office and get married quickly and cheaply to be given army quarters and then I don't need to work, we'll have a house and be together and then wherever we go there'll be a house for us... The trouble is, I don't want to do that.
I love my Squaddie, and I would be happy to marry him, but because I love him, not because I want a house. I want a career and I want to earn my own money. In a job like his, there's no promising his job is there forever. The reality is, he could be injured or worse, I hope, wish and pray that doesn't happen! But there is a chance. If we live in a house that we've been given, living off of on his salary alone, if the unthinkable happens, we would end up homeless and skint! I don't want that to happen to us. I also couldn't sit at home all day, it would drive me mad! There's only so much Jeremy Kyle you can take before you end up on it!!
So back to the job hunt, I didn't think it would be as difficult as it is. I am either over qualified or under qualified! There is no pleasing some people!! If I apply for a job, it is because I have made the decision that I would like it. So to have someone reject me because they don't think I would stay in the role, is a slap in the face! If I were in their shoes, I would want to hire the best person for the job. Sadly, it doesn't work that way now!
I know I'm not the only one on the "Unemployed and desperately trying to find something" cruise! And the only advice to possibly give, is the only advice that I've been given....
"Keep trying, something will come up!"
And on that positive slap in the face... I'll see you next week!!
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
Thursday, 9 February 2012
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder".... PAH!
A lot of couples still believe absence makes the heart grow fonder. My personal opinion is "Absence makes the heart go crazy!!" How many couples do you know, that actually survive the long distance relationships...
It's been over a year since Squaddie came home from Afghan and we're now nearly 6 months into his A1 course to complete his electrician’s qualification. At his previous barracks where he had his own room, it was acceptable for me to go and stay over. So every Wednesday I'd go over to the barracks, he'd sign me in and for one night only, we'd have no one else but each other. It was amazing and probably, now looking back, taken for granted. Where he is now, they're in four man rooms, and even if I was brave enough to stay, girlfriends aren't allowed to stay while the soldiers are on training courses. So our time together is limited to the weekends, either with his family or my family.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love both our families! Of course you have the occasional argument or irritating quality that every family has, but overall, our families are wonderful! But now that our only time together is at weekends, it's so hard to try and get time together, if you understand my drift?! I'd do anything for a Wednesday night like old times!
A usual weekend will involve him coming home about 5/6pm and I'll meet him at his house, or he'll pick me up on the way through. We'll have dinner with the family, catch up on the past week and lots of cup of teas!! Brilliant!! Then we'll go down to the pub to meet all his friends, I'll catch up with the girls, he'll chat away to the boys, lovely! We'll then stumble home, tired and usually a little pissed! Get straight into bed, no nookie because we're too tired or too drunk to even fathom the thought! Then we'll wake up on Saturday morning, take a while to wake up, get dressed and try to figure out something to do with our day. It's about half and half between having a day out together and seeing people. We'll then see some more family or friends on Saturday evening and Sundays are normally spent at my house having dinner, again with family friends, and then at 5am on Monday morning, he's gone again for another week.
The weekends are more exhausting than relaxing! It's hard to just relax and have a chat boyfriend to girlfriend. And this, in my mind, is what makes the heart go crazy!! Every couple has their disagreements, it's inevitable! If you don't, you're not the perfect couple... you're inhuman! But when there's always someone around, you can't have that little discussion or argument, you have to bottle it up and wait for an "appropriate" time, which there never is! So you end up carrying around the tiniest of nigglings, which grow and grow and grow. If we do have the discussion when people are around or in between seeing people, it'll inevitably not get solved before we have to say hello to everyone... and an unsolved problem is worse than having the bloody problem in the first place!!
I can hear myself saying things and thinking to myself, "if this was one of my friends, I'd be telling them to shut up by now...", but I can't seem to shut off. I lie awake at night thinking of what I should have said, or why he isn't understanding something that's plain and simple in my head and it eats away at me. You plan to say something when you see each other, but then you realise you've only got two days, why ruin them? So again, it doesn't get solved. Ultimately, you put it to rest, but it's only sleeping in the back of your mind, until something else happens to wake it up and BOOM! There it goes again, niggling away, 24 hours a day!
Now it's got to the point, where I feel like I've barely seen him, but he's still got other things to do or people to see. After 3 weekends of one night together, it just feels like we've not seen each other. He comes home occasionally in the week, and it feels so special to have a midweek treat! But he'll get up and go in the morning and it's hard to feel like we've spent any quality time together because it's so brief. The best way to explain it is when you have a one day weekend. You've have a lovely one day off, but you don't feel rested like you've had a weekend.
I value every minute I get to spend with Squaddie, because I know how easily it can be taken away with the army. So when large chunks of time get taken away because of something else, it really affects me. A few hours away here and there at the weekend is ok, but whole days and nights is just completely different. It slices the weekend and we're back to one lovely night together, but not feeling like we've really been there together.
If we had our own place, it would be different. 5 days a week of him coming home, would be magical if you ask me! We're still not going to be spending 24 hours a day, everyday, with each other, that's not particularly healthy! But just to tilt the balance from 5 days away to 5 days at home...that's something, at the moment, I can only wish for!
So all this "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is bollocks if you ask me. Mutual short absences, maybe, but you ask any SWAG how it is to have their partner taken away for months at a time, and I highly doubt you'll get such an answer. As a SWAG, and certain civvies couples too, absence is something you have to deal with, not something to make your relationship better. The idea of spending your lives together, is that you spend your life together! When it came to our one year anniversary, we'd only spent 6 months together, the other 6 were spent with him in Afghanistan. Yes we are extremely close and Afghanistan made me realise how much I love him and how he is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life... But I would never, ever, EVER be pleased that he's going away for another 2 weeks, let alone 6 months.
If you ask me, absence makes the heart ache, take over the rest of your brain and wreak havoc!
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
"And on that bombshell"....
A whole new meaning to Jeremy Clarkson's Top Gear sign off...
On the 9th July 2010 I woke up to a phone call from a foreign number. I knew something was wrong. Nobody I knew was abroad, Squaddie's number from Afghan always came through a telephone exchange in Stevenage... Something had happened.
I nervously answered the phone, I heard Squaddie's timid voice that confirmed in my mind that something had happened.
"There's been an accident", that's all I could get out of him at first. Now, if you're a SWAG or if your friend is a SWAG and you get a phone call like this, try not to do what I did next... I pestered him, trying to get out what had happened. I did not have my thinking head on!
I wondered if it was him that had been hurt which was why he was on a different number, or if it was one of the other boys in his team, or someone had died. So I'm blaring out all these upsetting questions at him barely giving him time to catch his breath. I was so worried, I didn't allow space in my mind for how he was feeling. He was trying to stay strong on the phone and I wasn't letting him take a second to get it together! After we'd both calmed down for a second he managed to explain that one of his team mates had trod on a bomb and lost his legs.
The phone then cut off and immediately I burst into uncontrollable tears! I didn't know what to do, I couldn't phone back, I needed to know Squaddie and the team were ok. About 30 seconds later he phoned back. So I quickly took a few deep breaths, put on my happy voice and said hello. He explained what had happened and what was going on now. His team mate was as OK as possible and they had all been flown back to Bastion. We couldn't talk for long, and he'd asked me not to say anything to his friends or family or put anything on Facebook, so of course I said ok, I can't really argue with someone in that position!
The rest of the day was pretty awful, I could barely stop crying, I was panicking, all I wanted to do was give them all a hug and tell them it would be ok. But you can't. I had to go to a party the following day and all I could think was that I couldn't possibly go in case Squaddie needed me! I did go in the end, but was always making sure my phone had signal!!
The next and final few months of his tour were painful. I was terrified every day that the next phone call would be the one telling me something had happened to him. I could deal with him losing limbs, I would still love him no matter what! It was the thoughts that he might not make it home at all or that when he came home, he would be so different and he wouldn't want to be with me still.
I'm incredibly lucky to say on the 22nd September 2010 he arrived back in England, after finishing his tour in one piece and with the rest of the team. And what better day to come home than his birthday <3 It was such a relief to have him back, not a day had gone by between 7th March and 22nd September that I hadn't been worried. I was still nervous for a couple weeks after he'd been home, just in case he'd changed his mind and thought he didn't want to be with me anymore. It's hard to know how to act, do you pretend like he was never away? Do we talk about what happened while he was away? Should I tell him how hard it was while he was away? We managed to get by, and we're still together over a year later so whatever we did, we must have got something right!
Nothing will prepare you for something like that, and when it happens you have to be strong for them. There isn't time for you to feel sorry for yourself, you have to focus your energy to be there for them, the wives and girlfriends are often the unsung heroes. The boys are doing the tough jobs, but the wives and girlfriends are the ones at home hearing the horror stories but still having to stay strong and focussed for their partners.
It's not the easiest job in the world, but it's amazing what you can do for the person you're madly in love with.
On the 9th July 2010 I woke up to a phone call from a foreign number. I knew something was wrong. Nobody I knew was abroad, Squaddie's number from Afghan always came through a telephone exchange in Stevenage... Something had happened.
I nervously answered the phone, I heard Squaddie's timid voice that confirmed in my mind that something had happened.
"There's been an accident", that's all I could get out of him at first. Now, if you're a SWAG or if your friend is a SWAG and you get a phone call like this, try not to do what I did next... I pestered him, trying to get out what had happened. I did not have my thinking head on!
I wondered if it was him that had been hurt which was why he was on a different number, or if it was one of the other boys in his team, or someone had died. So I'm blaring out all these upsetting questions at him barely giving him time to catch his breath. I was so worried, I didn't allow space in my mind for how he was feeling. He was trying to stay strong on the phone and I wasn't letting him take a second to get it together! After we'd both calmed down for a second he managed to explain that one of his team mates had trod on a bomb and lost his legs.
The phone then cut off and immediately I burst into uncontrollable tears! I didn't know what to do, I couldn't phone back, I needed to know Squaddie and the team were ok. About 30 seconds later he phoned back. So I quickly took a few deep breaths, put on my happy voice and said hello. He explained what had happened and what was going on now. His team mate was as OK as possible and they had all been flown back to Bastion. We couldn't talk for long, and he'd asked me not to say anything to his friends or family or put anything on Facebook, so of course I said ok, I can't really argue with someone in that position!
The rest of the day was pretty awful, I could barely stop crying, I was panicking, all I wanted to do was give them all a hug and tell them it would be ok. But you can't. I had to go to a party the following day and all I could think was that I couldn't possibly go in case Squaddie needed me! I did go in the end, but was always making sure my phone had signal!!
The next and final few months of his tour were painful. I was terrified every day that the next phone call would be the one telling me something had happened to him. I could deal with him losing limbs, I would still love him no matter what! It was the thoughts that he might not make it home at all or that when he came home, he would be so different and he wouldn't want to be with me still.
I'm incredibly lucky to say on the 22nd September 2010 he arrived back in England, after finishing his tour in one piece and with the rest of the team. And what better day to come home than his birthday <3 It was such a relief to have him back, not a day had gone by between 7th March and 22nd September that I hadn't been worried. I was still nervous for a couple weeks after he'd been home, just in case he'd changed his mind and thought he didn't want to be with me anymore. It's hard to know how to act, do you pretend like he was never away? Do we talk about what happened while he was away? Should I tell him how hard it was while he was away? We managed to get by, and we're still together over a year later so whatever we did, we must have got something right!
Nothing will prepare you for something like that, and when it happens you have to be strong for them. There isn't time for you to feel sorry for yourself, you have to focus your energy to be there for them, the wives and girlfriends are often the unsung heroes. The boys are doing the tough jobs, but the wives and girlfriends are the ones at home hearing the horror stories but still having to stay strong and focussed for their partners.
It's not the easiest job in the world, but it's amazing what you can do for the person you're madly in love with.
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Your friends will mean more than you ever knew...
So where I left off last time, Squaddie was almost off to Afghan. His departure date was moved forward 10 days... GUTTED!! But about 3 days later, it was moved back again to 3 days after the original departure date.... Result I suppose! We definitely made the most of the last few days together, you have to really. Afterall you're never sure when or if you're going to see them again.
So.. my second tip would be to surround yourself with friends. They will be your family and support through the next few months. When my Squaddie was away, I can't honestly say I handled it particularly well. Although in the eyes of others, I tried to pretend it was all fine! In reality, I was terrified everyday. Couldn't sleep. Heart skipped a beat everytime it rang with an unknown number. And the worst bit, I hid away from all my friends. I was so worried I'd be miserable and boring, that I just didn't want to see my friends.
I couldn't bring myself to ask for help. It was difficult sometimes having friends completely detached from army life. Sometimes talking to a fellow SWAG is easier because they know how you are feeling. It's difficult to explain how it feels without sounding like a horrendous drama queen!!
When I did muster up the courage to say I needed my friends, one in particular, they were always there. Whether it was just to make me laugh, someone to cry with or just to talk about the possibilities of what could happen to Squaddie.
My birthday in particular was one of the best and worst birthdays I've ever had! It was just over a month after Squaddie had left for Afghan, we'd manage to talk most days which was incredible! My birthday came around sooner than I thought and I woke up at about 5am to a message from my Squaddie wishing me a happy birthday. All I could do was cry then! I wished he could have been there and that I was waking up to him giving me a kiss and a cuddle, wishing me a happy birthday. No such luck! I decided I just wanted to go back to sleep, I wasn't ready to be bubbly and bright yet!
I woke up a few hours later and went downstairs to my mum and step dad cooking my breakfast and a pile of cards on the kitchen island. Now I missed the boy, and deep down I was still upset... but no matter how old you are, when you see cards and presents on your birthday, you revert to an excited 12 year old! I opened my cards from all the family and put them on the shelves in the breakfast room. I ate my breakfast, crispy bacon, cheesy beans and a fried egg! YUM!
Then I was given my present...And I cried for a second time... it was only 9am!! My family had bought me a driving experience in a Lambourghini... my favourite cars ever! I was told I was going to lunch first and then we were going to Chobham! I was thrilled, absolutely thrilled! But all I wanted to do was tell Squaddie and share my excitement with him. I got dressed in fairly inappropriate clothes to drive in... short skirt and flip flops!! I did take a pair of driving shoes and leggings though!
We arrived at the restaurant and as it was a nice day, we had a bottle of champers in the garden. Half way through my first glass, one of my best friends Leila walked through the doors! Third set of tears of the day! Next two people to walk through the door were Squaddie's mum and dad.... FOURTH set of tears! I seriously need to man up at this point!!
Squaddie's mum & dad had bought his present and card with them.... please welcome the FIFTH set of tears for the day!! He'd bought me a Links London charm bracelet, something I've always wanted, with a solid silver heart charm, just the perfect present. Sadly I can't say the same about his card....... in which he'd drawn something I can only describe as not suitable for parents eyes...! I have attached a picture below to save the awkward description!
A mildly pornographic sketch would be acceptable in a private card... not one that was going to be opened in front of both families. Needless to say, both his mum and my mum wished they hadn't asked to see the card!!
The six of us then had lunch and off we went to Chobham! I was so excited, but it still felt like something was missing. Leila had become my boyfriend at that point, not in a sexual way!!! I drove the Lambourghini and rushed home for my party that evening.
I was getting ready in the hotel with Leila when my phone rang, of course it was my Squaddie. I was so happy that I could hear his voice on my birthday! It was about 9pm and I didn't think we'd be able to talk as Afghanistan is 3.5 hours ahead of England. I had a brief conversation with him, they don't get much time on the phones, and before I knew it we had to say goodbye. I don't think I need to explain what happened next.... *Sixth time!!*
It was an emotional evening, split between having a brilliant time and sobbing!! If it hadn't been for my friends and family that day and night, I would have had the worst birthday. But in fact, they all made an extremely tough day into a brilliant one.
Friends are the rocks that keep your cliff from falling. There were times when I would just cry and cry and cry and still manage to cry some more when I didn't think I had any tears left. I was scared to talk to my friends, I didn't want to be seen as weak or pathetic, I didn't want it to get back to Squaddie that I was in such shit state either! But the few times I managed to drag my arse out of bed to see my friends, they made it so much fun, and I was actually laughing at a time when I felt like I had nothing to laugh about.
My friends are the best. So this blog will be dedicated to:
(IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER!!! Keeping it fair!)
Ben
Bisson
Davies
Emma
Georgie
Jenny
Lauren
Leila
Nik
Paddy
Rob
Silvey
So.. my second tip would be to surround yourself with friends. They will be your family and support through the next few months. When my Squaddie was away, I can't honestly say I handled it particularly well. Although in the eyes of others, I tried to pretend it was all fine! In reality, I was terrified everyday. Couldn't sleep. Heart skipped a beat everytime it rang with an unknown number. And the worst bit, I hid away from all my friends. I was so worried I'd be miserable and boring, that I just didn't want to see my friends.
I couldn't bring myself to ask for help. It was difficult sometimes having friends completely detached from army life. Sometimes talking to a fellow SWAG is easier because they know how you are feeling. It's difficult to explain how it feels without sounding like a horrendous drama queen!!
When I did muster up the courage to say I needed my friends, one in particular, they were always there. Whether it was just to make me laugh, someone to cry with or just to talk about the possibilities of what could happen to Squaddie.
My birthday in particular was one of the best and worst birthdays I've ever had! It was just over a month after Squaddie had left for Afghan, we'd manage to talk most days which was incredible! My birthday came around sooner than I thought and I woke up at about 5am to a message from my Squaddie wishing me a happy birthday. All I could do was cry then! I wished he could have been there and that I was waking up to him giving me a kiss and a cuddle, wishing me a happy birthday. No such luck! I decided I just wanted to go back to sleep, I wasn't ready to be bubbly and bright yet!
I woke up a few hours later and went downstairs to my mum and step dad cooking my breakfast and a pile of cards on the kitchen island. Now I missed the boy, and deep down I was still upset... but no matter how old you are, when you see cards and presents on your birthday, you revert to an excited 12 year old! I opened my cards from all the family and put them on the shelves in the breakfast room. I ate my breakfast, crispy bacon, cheesy beans and a fried egg! YUM!
Then I was given my present...And I cried for a second time... it was only 9am!! My family had bought me a driving experience in a Lambourghini... my favourite cars ever! I was told I was going to lunch first and then we were going to Chobham! I was thrilled, absolutely thrilled! But all I wanted to do was tell Squaddie and share my excitement with him. I got dressed in fairly inappropriate clothes to drive in... short skirt and flip flops!! I did take a pair of driving shoes and leggings though!
We arrived at the restaurant and as it was a nice day, we had a bottle of champers in the garden. Half way through my first glass, one of my best friends Leila walked through the doors! Third set of tears of the day! Next two people to walk through the door were Squaddie's mum and dad.... FOURTH set of tears! I seriously need to man up at this point!!
Squaddie's mum & dad had bought his present and card with them.... please welcome the FIFTH set of tears for the day!! He'd bought me a Links London charm bracelet, something I've always wanted, with a solid silver heart charm, just the perfect present. Sadly I can't say the same about his card....... in which he'd drawn something I can only describe as not suitable for parents eyes...! I have attached a picture below to save the awkward description!
The six of us then had lunch and off we went to Chobham! I was so excited, but it still felt like something was missing. Leila had become my boyfriend at that point, not in a sexual way!!! I drove the Lambourghini and rushed home for my party that evening.
I was getting ready in the hotel with Leila when my phone rang, of course it was my Squaddie. I was so happy that I could hear his voice on my birthday! It was about 9pm and I didn't think we'd be able to talk as Afghanistan is 3.5 hours ahead of England. I had a brief conversation with him, they don't get much time on the phones, and before I knew it we had to say goodbye. I don't think I need to explain what happened next.... *Sixth time!!*
It was an emotional evening, split between having a brilliant time and sobbing!! If it hadn't been for my friends and family that day and night, I would have had the worst birthday. But in fact, they all made an extremely tough day into a brilliant one.
Friends are the rocks that keep your cliff from falling. There were times when I would just cry and cry and cry and still manage to cry some more when I didn't think I had any tears left. I was scared to talk to my friends, I didn't want to be seen as weak or pathetic, I didn't want it to get back to Squaddie that I was in such shit state either! But the few times I managed to drag my arse out of bed to see my friends, they made it so much fun, and I was actually laughing at a time when I felt like I had nothing to laugh about.
My friends are the best. So this blog will be dedicated to:
(IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER!!! Keeping it fair!)
Ben
Bisson
Davies
Emma
Georgie
Jenny
Lauren
Leila
Nik
Paddy
Rob
Silvey
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