A whole new meaning to Jeremy Clarkson's Top Gear sign off...
On the 9th July 2010 I woke up to a phone call from a foreign number. I knew something was wrong. Nobody I knew was abroad, Squaddie's number from Afghan always came through a telephone exchange in Stevenage... Something had happened.
I nervously answered the phone, I heard Squaddie's timid voice that confirmed in my mind that something had happened.
"There's been an accident", that's all I could get out of him at first. Now, if you're a SWAG or if your friend is a SWAG and you get a phone call like this, try not to do what I did next... I pestered him, trying to get out what had happened. I did not have my thinking head on!
I wondered if it was him that had been hurt which was why he was on a different number, or if it was one of the other boys in his team, or someone had died. So I'm blaring out all these upsetting questions at him barely giving him time to catch his breath. I was so worried, I didn't allow space in my mind for how he was feeling. He was trying to stay strong on the phone and I wasn't letting him take a second to get it together! After we'd both calmed down for a second he managed to explain that one of his team mates had trod on a bomb and lost his legs.
The phone then cut off and immediately I burst into uncontrollable tears! I didn't know what to do, I couldn't phone back, I needed to know Squaddie and the team were ok. About 30 seconds later he phoned back. So I quickly took a few deep breaths, put on my happy voice and said hello. He explained what had happened and what was going on now. His team mate was as OK as possible and they had all been flown back to Bastion. We couldn't talk for long, and he'd asked me not to say anything to his friends or family or put anything on Facebook, so of course I said ok, I can't really argue with someone in that position!
The rest of the day was pretty awful, I could barely stop crying, I was panicking, all I wanted to do was give them all a hug and tell them it would be ok. But you can't. I had to go to a party the following day and all I could think was that I couldn't possibly go in case Squaddie needed me! I did go in the end, but was always making sure my phone had signal!!
The next and final few months of his tour were painful. I was terrified every day that the next phone call would be the one telling me something had happened to him. I could deal with him losing limbs, I would still love him no matter what! It was the thoughts that he might not make it home at all or that when he came home, he would be so different and he wouldn't want to be with me still.
I'm incredibly lucky to say on the 22nd September 2010 he arrived back in England, after finishing his tour in one piece and with the rest of the team. And what better day to come home than his birthday <3 It was such a relief to have him back, not a day had gone by between 7th March and 22nd September that I hadn't been worried. I was still nervous for a couple weeks after he'd been home, just in case he'd changed his mind and thought he didn't want to be with me anymore. It's hard to know how to act, do you pretend like he was never away? Do we talk about what happened while he was away? Should I tell him how hard it was while he was away? We managed to get by, and we're still together over a year later so whatever we did, we must have got something right!
Nothing will prepare you for something like that, and when it happens you have to be strong for them. There isn't time for you to feel sorry for yourself, you have to focus your energy to be there for them, the wives and girlfriends are often the unsung heroes. The boys are doing the tough jobs, but the wives and girlfriends are the ones at home hearing the horror stories but still having to stay strong and focussed for their partners.
It's not the easiest job in the world, but it's amazing what you can do for the person you're madly in love with.
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